So I'm really not liking myself. I promised myself that I wouldn't gamble but I did. Again. I told myself this would be the last time. Again. I'm not really feeling down because this was the very last time. I just feel horrible about the secret life I have had. I always gamble alone and no one knows about it. I don't want anyone to know and frankly I will not tell anyone but this website what I have done. I can't and I won't. I believe in honesty in most situations, sometimes there is info you just shouldn't divulge to your loved ones....this is one. I will be at the site as much as I possibly can between school, work and my family. I will get better and overcome this problem, one day at a time. I just wish that I had an actual person to hang with sometimes who is doing the same with overcoming this. I feel like such a fraud but I will do the actions to not make me a fraud any longer.
Didn't think of it at all today, still am very angry with self - this too shall pass I suppose, at least not angry with rest of world. Hubby seems to be calming down - although I don't blame him for his anger. His words stung like nothing before. I'm not a stupid person, but with this gambling thing, I'm an idiot. Better days to come I am sure.
Nothing like having a big white elephant sitting in your living room and no one discusses that he is there. We are cordial, but that's about it. I'm just not ready to discuss this yet. I have no answers today. Don't think about gambling at all, just feel yucky for what I've done. I really think I won't go back. Sure would like to turn the clock back. Being absolutely stupid at work does not help - way too much stress these last four days. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Don't really think of gambling much, do think of how this has hurt hubby though. I think about that constantly. Hopefully some day he will be able to forgive me and trust me again. It's going to take a while though - he's pretty stubborn. Glad I just took all the yelling and didn't bother to fight back, just would have made things worse. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Better than yesterday. At least we're talking. I can't believe how stupid I was thinking I could continue on the way I was. Like I read in one journal, it's like money has no meaning - just like monopoly money. I must stay away from those machines as they are killing me dollar by dollar. I didn't realize I had such an addictive personality - duh I've been a smoker for almost 30 years. I hope he will be able to help me with this, although I am sure he is not too far behind me in the addiction process - he'll learn I guess. I have to be strong and stay away from the casino and any lounge that has a machine.
Friday is usually take it easy day at the dealership but I fast learning how busy I can force myself to be. I feel a bit of stress and I am sure it is partially work and partially my withdrawal from the bet. I clearly know gambling will hurt if I try so I just won't allow the thought to enter my mind.
Considering a trip to church soon. How can that hurt me ? I think I need to use my pension for order to put some into my mixed up life. If I could gamble for so long I feel I have proven that I can do one thing for a long time. Why NOT GAMBLE FOR A LONG TIME ? In this case that long time needs to be forever. A feat that will take time and effort !!
All for now. At work and the deal becomes !!!!!!!!
I am excited and focused on making today a gamble free day for the first time in a while.
This is my first journal entry, I've finally admitted to myself that I have a serious gambling problem. I lost about $1000 just tonight in a matter of 3 hours. Why do I think I can win? I gamble every day averaging about $500 a day. There is no possible way I can afford this. I told my boyfriend about two months ago after I had a breakdown, but I have been doing it secretly behind his back since. I'm sick and I feel like the worst person in the world. I have never felt so down. I have a feeling I am going to be dealing with this for my entire life. I wish I never started gambling.
After 6 repeated tries I have finally able to at least get a word written on the PAGE!! Hello, my name is Gravel Gerty and I am a compulsive gambler, and so much more. My LDG (Last Day Gambled) is January 14,2004 and am very grateful for time invested in my quality of the passage I have chosen for my life.
I must say that I have not been an active GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS member. I found another compulsive gamblers' site shortly after my crash last year and it seems I totally bonded with that group on-line and when it came time for me to go to f2f it was anti-climatic. I have read the 20 questions, and have worked the Steps to Step 4 and am stuck there now for a while. But my faith is strong and have managed to live well so far with out aid of the group.
I do believe though that communicating with others of like minds has been vital for my stability. So much compassion for those who too have suffered. So I thought I would say hello here, test the waters if you may.
If anyone would like to talk or drop me a note please feel free. Until then blessings to those who are suffering, serenity is bliss. YSIR Gerty
Saturday September 10, 2005
11:53 PM EDT
Journal: My thoughts
Owner: sotired
I gambled today. I called my husband and told him to call me in one hour so that I wouldn't stay too long. I feel pretty good because I won a little and did not lose it. But if I stayed any longer I know I would have. I lost half the money I won before I left.
I know when I leave this area I will leave this behind me. I can't gamble like normal people do. I know this.
My daughter was arrested last night for driving with a suspended license. I am sorry for her because it cost her whole paycheck to get out of jail. I do know that she worked two weeks for nothing. I am hoping that she will understand this and that it will make her so upset that she will not drive again. Now she will have to wait two years before she can get her license back. I had warned her, but she has to learn everything the hard way.
I love her dearly and when she is in a good mood or when she is trying hard to be good, she is so much fun to be around. But on her bad days, she makes everyone around her miserable.
I wish she could find a good boy to go out with.. I believe that Kara feels like she is a nothing because she doesn't have a boyfriend. She is working now and if she will try, she can save some money for a car. I am not going to help her until she makes an effort to help herself. I have done so much for so long and its time to make her own way.
I am done for today.
I just found this website and I think this journal is a great idea. I am going to write my thoughts as much as possible. Maybe if I can get my feelings down in print, I can get a handle on my problems and see some recovery.
I am a compulsive gambler. I have admitted I am powerless over my gambling. I have read the twenty questions, and the twelve steps. This past couple of weeks, I have been on a daily roll. Of course, I have lost more than I have won, which is pretty typical of my problem. I have been able to pay the majority of my bills off with money from a duplex I sold and that is a good feeling. I have noticed that whenever things start to get better financially, I will really start gambling heavy. Its almost like I need to be miserable to be living. Weird, huh.
Last week I quit my job. I am moving to an area that has no casinos for over a two hour drive. My husband does not believe this will help, but I am optimistic that without the accessible casinos, it will help me not go. I won't gamble online because I have gotten rid of all my credit cards and now they are mostly all paid off.
I know that I will always be a compulsive gambler. I need to find a safe place to live that I don't put myself in a position to be able to mess up. I am excited about making this move for other reasons as well, but I am looking forward to a longer time without gambling. I believe that with enough voluntary time without gambling, I can become successful at meeting this goal.
So I'm really not liking myself. I promised myself that I wouldn't gamble but I did. Again. I told myself this would be the last time. Again. I'm not really feeling down because this was the very last time. I just feel horrible about the secret life I have had. I always gamble alone and no one knows about it. I don't want anyone to know and frankly I will not tell anyone but this website what I have done. I can't and I won't. I believe in honesty in most situations, sometimes there is info you just shouldn't divulge to your loved ones....this is one. I will be at the site as much as I possibly can between school, work and my family. I will get better and overcome this problem, one day at a time. I just wish that I had an actual person to hang with sometimes who is doing the same with overcoming this. I feel like such a fraud but I will do the actions to not make me a fraud any longer.
Didn't think of it at all today, still am very angry with self - this too shall pass I suppose, at least not angry with rest of world. Hubby seems to be calming down - although I don't blame him for his anger. His words stung like nothing before. I'm not a stupid person, but with this gambling thing, I'm an idiot. Better days to come I am sure.
Nothing like having a big white elephant sitting in your living room and no one discusses that he is there. We are cordial, but that's about it. I'm just not ready to discuss this yet. I have no answers today. Don't think about gambling at all, just feel yucky for what I've done. I really think I won't go back. Sure would like to turn the clock back. Being absolutely stupid at work does not help - way too much stress these last four days. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Don't really think of gambling much, do think of how this has hurt hubby though. I think about that constantly. Hopefully some day he will be able to forgive me and trust me again. It's going to take a while though - he's pretty stubborn. Glad I just took all the yelling and didn't bother to fight back, just would have made things worse. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Better than yesterday. At least we're talking. I can't believe how stupid I was thinking I could continue on the way I was. Like I read in one journal, it's like money has no meaning - just like monopoly money. I must stay away from those machines as they are killing me dollar by dollar. I didn't realize I had such an addictive personality - duh I've been a smoker for almost 30 years. I hope he will be able to help me with this, although I am sure he is not too far behind me in the addiction process - he'll learn I guess. I have to be strong and stay away from the casino and any lounge that has a machine.
Friday is usually take it easy day at the dealership but I fast learning how busy I can force myself to be. I feel a bit of stress and I am sure it is partially work and partially my withdrawal from the bet. I clearly know gambling will hurt if I try so I just won't allow the thought to enter my mind.
Considering a trip to church soon. How can that hurt me ? I think I need to use my pension for order to put some into my mixed up life. If I could gamble for so long I feel I have proven that I can do one thing for a long time. Why NOT GAMBLE FOR A LONG TIME ? In this case that long time needs to be forever. A feat that will take time and effort !!
All for now. At work and the deal becomes !!!!!!!!
I am excited and focused on making today a gamble free day for the first time in a while.
This is my first journal entry, I've finally admitted to myself that I have a serious gambling problem. I lost about $1000 just tonight in a matter of 3 hours. Why do I think I can win? I gamble every day averaging about $500 a day. There is no possible way I can afford this. I told my boyfriend about two months ago after I had a breakdown, but I have been doing it secretly behind his back since. I'm sick and I feel like the worst person in the world. I have never felt so down. I have a feeling I am going to be dealing with this for my entire life. I wish I never started gambling.
After 6 repeated tries I have finally able to at least get a word written on the PAGE!! Hello, my name is Gravel Gerty and I am a compulsive gambler, and so much more. My LDG (Last Day Gambled) is January 14,2004 and am very grateful for time invested in my quality of the passage I have chosen for my life.
I must say that I have not been an active GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS member. I found another compulsive gamblers' site shortly after my crash last year and it seems I totally bonded with that group on-line and when it came time for me to go to f2f it was anti-climatic. I have read the 20 questions, and have worked the Steps to Step 4 and am stuck there now for a while. But my faith is strong and have managed to live well so far with out aid of the group.
I do believe though that communicating with others of like minds has been vital for my stability. So much compassion for those who too have suffered. So I thought I would say hello here, test the waters if you may.
If anyone would like to talk or drop me a note please feel free. Until then blessings to those who are suffering, serenity is bliss. YSIR Gerty
Saturday September 10, 2005
11:53 PM EDT
Journal: My thoughts
Owner: sotired
I gambled today. I called my husband and told him to call me in one hour so that I wouldn't stay too long. I feel pretty good because I won a little and did not lose it. But if I stayed any longer I know I would have. I lost half the money I won before I left.
I know when I leave this area I will leave this behind me. I can't gamble like normal people do. I know this.
My daughter was arrested last night for driving with a suspended license. I am sorry for her because it cost her whole paycheck to get out of jail. I do know that she worked two weeks for nothing. I am hoping that she will understand this and that it will make her so upset that she will not drive again. Now she will have to wait two years before she can get her license back. I had warned her, but she has to learn everything the hard way.
I love her dearly and when she is in a good mood or when she is trying hard to be good, she is so much fun to be around. But on her bad days, she makes everyone around her miserable.
I wish she could find a good boy to go out with.. I believe that Kara feels like she is a nothing because she doesn't have a boyfriend. She is working now and if she will try, she can save some money for a car. I am not going to help her until she makes an effort to help herself. I have done so much for so long and its time to make her own way.
I am done for today.
I just found this website and I think this journal is a great idea. I am going to write my thoughts as much as possible. Maybe if I can get my feelings down in print, I can get a handle on my problems and see some recovery.
I am a compulsive gambler. I have admitted I am powerless over my gambling. I have read the twenty questions, and the twelve steps. This past couple of weeks, I have been on a daily roll. Of course, I have lost more than I have won, which is pretty typical of my problem. I have been able to pay the majority of my bills off with money from a duplex I sold and that is a good feeling. I have noticed that whenever things start to get better financially, I will really start gambling heavy. Its almost like I need to be miserable to be living. Weird, huh.
Last week I quit my job. I am moving to an area that has no casinos for over a two hour drive. My husband does not believe this will help, but I am optimistic that without the accessible casinos, it will help me not go. I won't gamble online because I have gotten rid of all my credit cards and now they are mostly all paid off.
I know that I will always be a compulsive gambler. I need to find a safe place to live that I don't put myself in a position to be able to mess up. I am excited about making this move for other reasons as well, but I am looking forward to a longer time without gambling. I believe that with enough voluntary time without gambling, I can become successful at meeting this goal.
That's all for now. I will write again later.