Why I gamble

I live with my elderly mother and two handicapped brothers. I gave up my job and moved here to help them when my mother became disabled. I have found that in periods of prolonged boredom and lonliness, I gamble online to have something to do that I enjoy.

The problem with this is I now have this beast that lives within me that wants to play all the time. I am a slot machine junky. I have found 101 ways to justify it in my mind and to others, but the truth is, now the slots are playing me instead of me playing them.

I came to this conclusion and would like to talk to others that won't make me feel so ashamed that I have a problem I can't control.

To date I have not lost a tremendous amount of money, but have lost more than I can afford. The money has lost it's value to me in terms of what I need it for.
I win a lot of money sometimes, but because I can't take it and leave like a real casino, I replay it EVERY time and lose it all. I suppose that if nobody else says a word to me on this website I will at least have a place I can go and write down my failures, guilt, and spend more time talking about gambling than doing it.

The guilt is driving me mad, and the lying is even worse than losing the money. Losing my intergrity is far worse than losing my money.

I go for a few days feeling like a real winner cause I have just won a lot of money...then I start to play it out and after I lose it I go for days with this dark cloud over my life that causes me to go blind to everything going on around me.


A new day

today will be a day of being heartsick. I have $10.00 in my bank and need to buy some items which I don't have money for. This is due to my gambling. But one thing that has come out of this is the fact that now when I think about going to the online casino, I am reminded that it is a bad place for me to go since I have admitted to having a problem.
It doesn't seem to bother me so far. The day is still young, and I get paid later. When I deposit my money, I will remind myself that gambling for me is like sugar to a diabetic. Just quit , or suffer. Admitting I have a problem was a tremdous step forward for me.
I am good at managing my money if I can leave it in there long enough to manage it. :-) I feel better.
I have somehow likened the online gambling with something as bad as online kiddie porn which I find repulsive. There is not much difference as far as compulsions to do harm to yourself or others. Putting it in these terms makes me stronger and helps me to resist. We will see how I feel when I have money again!

prokopton's picture

The first step is to admit

The first step is to admit we have a problem.

What would happen if the lying stopped and everyone you cared about knew the truth?

"We are as sick as our secrets."

Keep up the good work.

I believe online gambling

I believe online gambling games can sometimes become an issue. But the last thing you have to do is lose the faith in yourself. In times like these, any problem you might have can cause another one and another one and so on. Just keep that in mind. Not only that you`re able to give up online games, but also you trust yourself and all the good things you can do. Often, addictions grow on behalf of other problems in your life. Everything is justified in your case. Still, don`t forget there are amazingly good things you can still do for yourself.

It?s arduous to find

It?s arduous to find knowledgeable people on this matter, however you sound like you understand what you?re talking about! Thanks