An outlet to talk


I'm happy to have found an outlet to talk....

I pride myself on being a frugal, responsible, capable, intelligent person. Why do I need to go on line and play a slot machine? An electronic game has me hook, line and sinker. I first started gambling on line after my parents passed away..they died 8 months apart from each other, leaving me a house filled w/all and a nice sum of money.....I wonder if I feel guilty...I wonder if I'm bored? I wonder if I'm trying to get back at my husband....maybe, just maybe, I like the high it gives me......I became pregnant, I had all this time at home now..can't go out? can't go to happy hour? can't enjoy the dancing and the fun outside, it would look too weird? so why can't I take my money and use it towards something fun at home? And so I did...mostly every other day....

I was actually the one, strange as it seems, to withdraw my funds and use them or part of them next time, this went on a while...then went on maternity leave..giving me 3 months off....newborns have a tendency to sleep a lot...in the beginning anyway..leaving me lots of time...but no paycheck coming in..other than husbands but that's for bills, but I have all this savings, husband doesn't do the finances....I consider my inheritance, my money..not my husbands, so why shouldn't I use it? well...time after time, I would lose 100-600 a night/day per week...

Some times not playing for a couple of days...or winning sometimes, banking that....till next time.....well I'm back at work and find myself playing more and more. I still can't go out I have a baby at home (you know all this rationalizations?)....It's funny it's costs me more money to stay home then go out....my hubby has no clue...he laughs and encourages me...due to the fact I only tell him about my wins....well.. I haven't managed to throw it all away, I just got sick and tired of having a gambling hangover....and my daughter deserves better...happy to say it's been, well 4 days since I disconnected my computer, maybe that's the answer...

I know that if I can stay away long enough, perhaps my brain would rewire itself into competent thinking again...I miss it.. don't get me wrong...but I'm not going to be captive to this...especially in my own home..the computer has to be hooked up again, eventually, and I'll have to deal w/this on my own terms.....well I'm glad I'm finally here....it's nice waking up in the morning now.....