25 yrs ago, before there was marriage and kids, I had friends. I did not go to casinos for entertainment, but we saw movies, ate meals out, chatted for hours, played games, skied, sat by pools, read and enjoyed ourselves. Then there came marriage, kids, and a business. All consuming, my days were filled with working each one of these. Did they deserve all this work...of course they did. I finally had grown up and life was now a journey to create my mark on the world.

That mark, for me, was to raise 3 children who could be proud of their parents for working hard, being open and honest, who would grow themselves into healthy adults and perpetuate our values onto their own children and beyond. But what became of the friends...they were gone, not forgotten but nevertheless gone from my life as I pursued the next stage of my life. As the demands in my life started to ease, the business took hold, the children grew and became more independent, I started to miss the relaxation of friendship and camaraderie. In a brief search of such enjoyment, I stumbled on a casino. Even if I did not know a single soul, it became a place of acceptance, people who said hi and remembered me from the last time, workers who wanted to give me food and lodging, entertainment and shows. And, they did not ask for anything in return...except for a few of my hard earned dollars...but what is the cost of "friendship"? I could do this, spend some spare time in the casino, enjoy the privileges, comps, escapes from reality. Sit at a table and laugh with people I did not know and may never see again or sit in front of a machine, pressing buttons like a rat waiting for my intermittent reinforcement. The hours would fly by and before I knew, it would be light outside, time to go home.

This was easy... A sporadic trip to the casino, before long, grew into a frequent trip, and then into a regular trip. Within a period of a few years, years that flew by quickly, I was spending more time in the casino than I was spending with my kids, husband and work. But what did my "friends" at the casino ask from me? Nothing, but more of my hard earned money. What did my kids, husband and work ask of me? Nothing, but my attention to their needs, which did require time away from my "friends".

Slowly, in a few years that flew by quickly, I realized that there was not as much money in the bank...that bills were piling up, that credit cards were charged to their limits, that the phone began to ring incessantly...these were not my friends calling, but my creditors who wanted to know when the next car payment was coming, why was I 60 days behind on credit card payments, did I realize I had missed the mortgage payment?? I would look at the checking account and try to calculate, how, just how, was I going to pay back those casino markers that were about to be due. Bills, they could wait, after all our credit was destroyed anyway...just make that mortgage payment if I could swing it, but the markers...if I didn't pay them, my "friends" wouldn't let me play anymore! With eyes half-closed, I started to add up all the withdrawals that were used to fund my fun. With a brain half-asleep, I did not want to fathom the amount of our hard earned dollars that had been given to my "friends".

The stress, the stress, the stress...why was this happening...why was our business having such difficulties, why was I looking for more ways to escape, how were we to face the future, college tuitions and gas money for tomorrow. Why oh why was everything becoming so, so, difficult. And finally, those markers, even though I knew they were my obligation, would not get paid...there was nothing left...it was time, time to say goodbye, time to say maybe, just maybe I need to seek help, go to a GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS meeting, see if it could be true...did I really have a gambling problem. And so it was done, on August 7, 2001, I entered a GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS meeting and announced I had placed my last bet, August 5, 2001.

The journey of recovery began, first financial, plans made to regain our footing, begin to rebuild. A year passed, a little better than the one before, the 2nd year, much better than two years before, 3rd year, I could breathe again. Many changes, a new outlook on tomorrow, no financial stress anymore...how did that ever happen to us? How did I let it get so far...what was I thinking? Ahh, yes, what was I thinking...I was thinking I wanted friends. Four years later, there is some money in the bank. Can I find my old "friend", just for a short visit? Ok, maybe for a short one...that worked...let's try that again. An old casino "buddy" emailed me and told me of a website where you could have fun just like being at a casino, but you did not have to leave your house.

Internet gambling??? I thought all of those sites were rip offs, how did you know who they were...did you get paid? "Oh, yes, this is a good site", I was told. Ok, I'll give it a short try...BAM, "Honey, I just won a jackpot...I just hit a royal with $5 bet!!". Get the money and run...but wait, they don't give it to you for 5 days...ok, I'll just play with a little of this new found money...ok, just a little bit more, ok, it's getting a little low, won't let it go under $10,000...well, ok, $8,000, $5,000..." Dear, when will you see that transfer into our checking account? It would be nice to buy that HD TV!" Ummm, "Honey, you know, everytime you transfer money back to play, they change the 5 days...what do you think I have been playing with?" "Well, there's still money there, right?" "Yeah, yeah, of course there is." Oh, brother, this is not good...the money is gone, I am going to have to fess-up sooner or later.

I will wait for a good time to come clean...next week I will tell him the winnings are gone. Just deposit & play a little now..."OMG, another jackpot!! It's like my prayers were answered...this is amazing. No way will I play this down...no way will I give this one back...and I don't have to fess-up...keep quiet...don't let anyone know about this jackpot. And then another, in the same weekend...ok, I can tell him about this one. Over the next 3 months...over $100K won in jackpots...$20K made it into my checking...$10K for that HDTV, the remainder...back into the internet site...no more wins...now more of our hard earned $ deposited...the bank balance is falling again...I can't stop going to this site...I don't care about "friends", I don't care about going to the casino...sit down and play at my computer, hours and hours, endless days, nights...STOP!!! I need help...I need to get back to where I was just a few short months ago.

I find a website, people who understand, read the posts, read the journals, everyone knows what it's like, everyone has been there...some new, some who have seen the light for a decent period of time. They seem more content...they understand!! I try it out, make a journal entry, type some posts, get some good sound advice and support. I make some connections and actually start talking to some about other things than gambling. We have things in common...could it be...could it be I've found some friends...yes, I did. I am beginning to feel better today. It wasn't so much the urges, but started feeling some withdrawal...restlessness, light sleeping, those incessant "gambling dreams" that rob me of a sound and peaceful night.

Last night was a good rest. The only frustrating thing with the gamblock, so far, is the fact that it intrudes on some sites of just interest. For example, I wanted to read a story on the CNN page about how the "Dogs Playing Poker" painting brought in over $500,000 in auction, but it wouldn't let me read the story. Oh well, I can do without it I guess. The important part is that I don't sit at my computer struggling whether to play or not to play...I don't have my brain playing games with me telling me a little "fun $" play is harmless when I know it leads to other things. I am more at peace today than yesterday. I will draw upon this feeling as the days go by... I am getting close to the gamblock issue. I know I have no control over this and I keep going to that stupid site. I get there and look to see what jackpots have been won...and hate myself for thinking, oh gee, if I had been playing, I might of won that one.

This is so stupid!! I thought coming here and writing may help...get my mind off of thinking about another deposit. I have to go to gamblock and put this on...it's the only way that's going to stop me and admit I have no power over this...I cannot control my actions...my craving brain!!! Go do it! The urges got great yesterday. I was sitting at my computer and I couldn't resist. It only took a few excuses to visit the site. Then when I got to there I saw they gave me $325 bonus $. I guess they missed me and were just waiting for me to return for my beckoning surprise. They are so cunning and play right into the compulsive gambler. And so, while I made that small amount last for several hours, at least I did not go to my checkbook when it was gone. That is where I am focusing. I am back on the wagon today.

I cannot allow myself to touch my checkbook...although I have pretty much drained that account to make it unusable. It will stay that way and I will find the many things I have to do today to keep myself away from any temptations. I'm not beating myself up over this. When I start I console with "at least it wasn't my $". But, it really was. If I was not a cg I would have cashed the new found $ out and said "Wow, I made $325 for nothing". But, in this frame of mind, how unrealistic is that. I must keep focused on the fact that the $ we have must carry us through April. I cannot let anything happen to that security. Last night I was having vp dreams and I was sleeping very light. That happens to me when I'm beginning to feel the withdrawal...so that's a good sign...I'm making progress. As I laid there half awake, I started to try and analyze why...what is it in my personality and where did it begin that causes me to want to find this type of escape. What kind of changes am I going to have to eventually make to find the contentment in my life that will fill the void. My childhood was not bad...I cannot trace this to some traumatic experience that is causing me to escape. But I do know that there have always been some kind of thrill-seeking or adrenaline rush desire.

Let's see, there's been skiing, running, rollercoaster thrills, recreational drugs. Those were the innocent, safe escapes (except for the drugs, but thankfully that never really took hold). I suppose I could get back into one of those to replace the time. And Thank God, I do not have any desire for the drug high...for me, I don't even have to think about that. The urges are to gamble, not for any other thrill...not even sex. My real concern is will I have to make changes in my family life to keep myself clean. I don't want to make all that effort but I know the marriage needs a lot of help. We're just drifting along, not making any waves, letting things exist...putting everything on the back burner. He leaves me be, I leave him be. Honestly, I know if I were to be without a partner, I would not really care too much. But, on the other hand, would that be because I would have no accountability? Saying that out-loud makes me think that's really what it is...not so much that I want desperately to get out of the marriage, but more that there would be no accountability to anyone but myself. It would be going back to young adulthood...the fun times. But, I'm a grown-up now. I would not trade that in to go back, give up my children and the experiences of raising them. I will take this slowly and try to understand the changes as they occur.

Today, I will not gamble on-line or otherwise. Today, I will save myself at least $500 that I would have lost. I made $500 today because it is still in my account. Until later... It has been 3 days since I placed my last internet bet. Playing on the internet...6 months ago I would have never dreamt I'd do such a thing. Staying out of casinos was manageable for me. The actual act of getting in my car and traveling the 1 1/2 hr to AC could be enough of a deterrent that I just did not do it. There were always other things I could substitute and I broke that habit without too much trouble. I attended my first GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS meeting the end of August 2001. My last bet then had been August 5. I found the meetings very helpful and went to 2 each week for the next month or so. Then work became so demanding I did not have time for the meetings...but, with getting our finances back on track and dealing with our business, it was ok. I stayed clean and the thoughts and urges subsided.

I was so concerned about how we were going to make it financially, we had really hit rock bottom. I guess at GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS I wanted to hear how others made it through financially and that information was limited. They all just said it takes time. As always, I wanted the solution to be TOMORROW but having to accept that on a day to day, there was not alternative than to work it through. After 2 more years, on my birthday 5/7/03, we finally gave in and filed for bankruptcy. I had not gambled, but we had no other way to get out of debt and survive. Once we filed for bk, my life did definitely change for the better. We could pay our bills on time, the creditors stopped the incessant calling from 8am - 9pm. I didn't need to take the phone off the hook at 8. We even could put $ in the bank and knew our bills would be paid for next month and then the following and even up to 6 months...we didn't have to worry anymore. By the end of '03 I felt truly recovered and I would never, ever, go that course again. Could I even try an occasional, supervised trip to a casino? My husband & I tried...I kept the amount we took low and reasonable and we did have a short trip where we won $40 for dinner...I considered it a success. It wasn't until he said it was time to leave and I begged him to stay just a little longer did I realize the urge was whispering to me again.

Thankfully, he did not listen and made us leave. After that, there was an occasional trip, every 2-3 months, supervised, low cash. Then an occasional trip alone, low cash, no ATM card, but my clue was leaving just enough $ in the car to make sure I had enough to get home. I never expected to win, just give whatever I came with to the casino for my escape. So there, I've said it. The "escape". That is what I continued to deal with. Yes, I could get my life back in order and stop the devastating loss of $, but I was not dealing with why did I want to do this.

Why was I finding such solace in the escape to fantasyland. I had a clue as to why, the pressure of always being the one responsible for making things work, the loneliness in my marriage since my husband decided music was his passion and every weekend was spent with the band he was in. I was for all intents a single parent, raising our 3 children alone, making all the decisions, paying all the bills, figuring out how $ was to come into the business. It was too much...and that was never dealt with. He just never could understand, or pretended not to understand, why I felt such pressure. And, he never really put his foot down about the gambling because if he did, I know he would be afraid I would put mine down about the band and he would lose his addiction. So, he tolerated and I feel even sometimes condoned the gambling just to keep his freedom. Of course, he had no idea of how much $ was gone.

Since I kept all financials, he did not pay a single bill, look at the books for the business, do any of that. He had no idea how I was robbing us all of any sense of security. He was so oblivious to how I was destroying our family. That was my rock bottom though...not to him so much as to my children, their college, their everyday needs. This has not changed. And so, for 4 years, I never let it get out of hand again. I was good. Then came the day, about 4 months ago, when I discovered on-line gambling. The rush returned so quickly, I was not even aware what was happening. All I did know was I would wake up in the morning and head right for the computer. I did not bother to drag him out of bed as I've done for the past 22 years, but now he could sleep until noon if he wanted. When he did finally get up, I would turn it off, but as soon as he was not in the room or house, back on it would go, keeping a close watch at the window to see his car return. (We work out of our house). When we went on jobs, all I could think about was returning and getting back to gambling. So, for the next 4 months I began draining our bank account.

The winter is not our busy season. We have to be careful about our funds until we hit April when we do have a significant cash flow. But, if we were careful we would peacefully make it to April. I was destroying that. It wasn't until I realized that we will just make it, with no extras, if I stop immediately. And so, it's been 3 days since I have tapped our accounts (this actually is day 3 and I woke up this am and the first thought was "I will not gamble today"). While I know I will have to deal with the real issue eventually, I am back to square 1 in not relapsing. I tried to explain again to him why this is an illness...he still doesn't get it. He understands gambling addiction, smoking, eating, but he questioned me when I tried to make gambling analogous to an OC disorder. It's hard to argue about your illness...make someone believe you have an illness when you don't want to admit it yourself. I'd like to believe it's just no so, but I know it is. I will probably go back to Gamblers Anonymous soon. Now he's up and I'm going to go. until next time..