My lucky man

Hello everyone, my name is Debra. The main agenday I have to post here is to reach out to people living with a gambling addict and the gambling addict. I have felt so alone for so many years. The shame kept me from reaching out. I want to tell that person living with a gambler; you are not alone. This will be a long post so you may want to grab a coffee or some snacks.

I am a 30 year old mother of 2 pre-teen children and I am the wife of a gambing addict. After filing for divorce about two weeks ago, the pain of it all is starting to reveal itself.

Exhaustion, dispair, fear, confusion and a whole host of other emotions are filling my soul. I am about to separate myself from a friend that i've had since I was a child. We have grown up together and held eachother up in great times of need. This man is no monster, besides the gambling, he is an amazing person. He was never abusive in any other way and loved me better than anyone else has in my life. The selfish person in me wants to hang on to him but the woman who loves him needs to let him go. I know that he can't be living a life that he is happy in, when it is controlled by gambling. I know that he is miserable with what he is doing to me and our kids. I feel like this is the only way that he will be able to live a normal life. If I continued to remain here for him and juggle the messes he makes, then he will never have to feel the pain of what he has done to me and will never have to hit a bottom.

Exhaustion is the only way I can explain what it's like to keep one step ahead of a gambling addict. For years I have had to monitor his paydays which could fall on a Monday or a Tuesday every two weeks. With the job that he had his check could be availabe at any time to him but he was on call so he didn't immediately pick up his pay. He lied repeatedly about still being at work when he had already cashed his check and was at the casino. Our house payment was payed with borrowed money on several occasions and Holidays had to be payed for in advance to ensure that our kids would be able to celebrate. On every Monday and Tuesday of every two weeks, I would humiliate myself and call his job looking for his paycheck. It was completely embarrassing to call his place of employment, seemingly as the greedy wife who couldn't wait to spend her husbands money. Chasing down his $4,000.00 dollar a month pay was so tiring that I don't know how I did it for over six years. Sometimes I out-smarted him but the times when I didn't, there is no way to describe the feeling of being left with no money to pay your bills and feed your kids. Off to the loan companies he went...Simply, I am tired.

Dispair is a word that should never be used lightly. Dispair is the image you think of when you recall images of lost hope flash through your minds eye. At a few points in the last six years, I have contemplated so many horrible things i'm ashamed to admit them. Suicide and infidelity are among a few thoughts i've entertained. Yet i'm still here. I love this man so much that at times I would rather have been dead that to live without him. Living without him is the only answer for him. I am a crutch. Losing him is going to help him find himself. I've got to move on for our kids, me, and for him.

Fear of what will happen to him consumes me at times but i'm learning to give him the responsiblity back. I am afraid that he will lose everything. I am fearful that he will end up killing himself. I have left him and he is on the verge of losing everything. I am in the position to pay off things for him financially but am afraid to because he may sell them to get money to gamble. He has taken out several loans with paid family vehicles as collateral. Also several household items that are of significant value have been used as promises to pay loans. I fear that he will eventually let it all pile up on him, the pressure will be too much, and he will collapse under the enormity of what he's done to himself and his family with his gambling addiction. I am afraid that he will end his life.

Finally, and i'm sure many of you have asked this question yourself, Why? I am so confused as to why this amazing man would do the things that he has done. Why a man with so much intelligence, kindness, and life to give is selling his soul to the slot machines. I cannot understand it. I am baffled as to why i'm not as important to him as the sounds of the machine hitting a pay out.

At times I feel guilty, like i've abandoned him. I miss his funny jokes and his easy way. Edgar always knew what to say to calm me. He was my heart and comfort for so long that it is ripping me to shreds inside to be away from him. The further I get from the pain though, the more I realize that he abandoned my needs for the casino long ago.

Thanks for reading and I hope that my story can help someone.

With love, hope and peace,
Debra Morales

That is such a moving story.

That is such a moving story. Gambling has the same physiological effects as drugs. He might be getting a high off it?