My first post ever

Ann: Hello,

I have now not gambbled for a month. I'm hopeful yet feeling kind of sad, anxious and having the urge to go to a casino today.

I'm a woman that doesn't have too many bad habits. The gambling habit was one that snuck up on me when I wasn't looking. The first time I went in a casino I took $20. with me and never wanted to return. I did go back and gradually bet a little higher. I had some beginner's luck with wins and found myself addicted immediately. My addiction is with VLT's and I found myself going back more often and frequently until I started losing all track of time spent gambling. I would set a money limit or promise myself to leave when I won but many times I never did, only using the bank machines in the casino or I stayed until I put all my winnings back in.

I know this story is not new and you've heard it before, but in 3 short years, I have wasted more money than I know I could ever recoup. I've lied to my family and used household funds to support my gambling habit.

I've come to realize now that I no longer want to hurt my family members or break their trust or respect in me. It hurts me when I think of all the hard earned money I've thrown away and how many times I've lied to my family to cover up my gambling. That money could have been put to much better use for my family as a whole. Instead, I now realize I will never recoup that money and will only lose more if I keep on gambling. I thought I could control myself but have come to realize that I cannot. I know that if I ever gamble again, I will only lose more money.

I've made it for a 4 weeks now without gambling and I hope to make it for a lifetime. Some days are harder than others but I keep thinking it will get better. I try to remind myself of the way I would feel coming home after losing a bunch of money and trying to find ways to lie and cover it all up. I never want to feel that way again or have to worry like that. Although the last 4 weeks have been difficult, I've not had to worry about lost money or being untruthful to the people I love.

I've been reading this forum for the last 4 weeks and it has helped me tremendously. It helps to know that I'm not alone in my feelings or what I have done. I look forward to returning. This seems to be a very positive move for me.

A wonderful Sunday to all.

Venger1022: GOOD FOR YOU!!! 4 weeks is great!

Thank you venger, I appreciate your support.

I have had another victory today, I made it one more day without gambling. Today during my lunch hour I almost convinced myself to go and have lunch at the casino, telling myself that I would only go there to eat and not gamble. Luckily for me, I did go home for lunch instead as there was a delivery waiting for me. On the weekend, I almost convinced myself to go, make a quick buck and leave. Again, I was lucky to just return home as my husband came home with something important to tell me. Had I gone to the casino I would have missed him and he may have wondered where I went.
I keep thinking that these things are happening for a reason, to show me what would be happening if I were still gambling. I'd still be caught up in that web of lies and deceit. This way at least I have nothing to hide or fear.

My emotions and feelings are all over the place, ranging from sad, angry, glad, anxious, nervous and content all at the same time. Why wouldn't they be, I'm a recovering addict after all. I just keep telling myself that I just cannot ever gamble again. I've learned the hard way that I just do not have control in a casino. I want to be free of association with the casino and from the lost self esteem that my gambling has caused. I want to be free.

Congratulations to all that have remained free of gambling one more day. Tomorrow we will all have a little more self-discipline and control in getting our lives back because of our decision to stop gambling.

Good night to all.