I blew my clean time too


Hi Gang, It's Kiki. Well, I had six months clean time on 6/29 and I went to the casino on 6/30 so my new date is 7/1.

I was feeling sorry for myself. No one in my family, not even my husband, congratulated me on my 6 months recovery. I was angry and hurt. I let my emotions get the best of me. I didn't call anyone, I just snuck off to the casino like a spoiled child.

I hated being there because all of the old demons came and sat on my shoulder as I poured twenty after twenty into the slots. I was in no control whatsoever. I lost money and my self respect, again.

I've been lurking since I got back from vacation, dreading to tell you that I slipped but to get back on track I know I have to be honest. So here I am, starting over, one day at a time. Kiki


Posted: 13 Jul 2006 05:32 pm Post subject:
Hello Kiki,

I fessed up last night because I blew it as well. You must be feeling as horrible as I am. That litte voice inside our heads uses any excuse to get us to go. Perhaps this is just a reminder that we are not cured and will make us all the more stronger in not going again. Perhaps we know now not to trust that little voice inside our head.

I wish I could get us back our self respect and get rid of all the disgusting feelings. Unfortunately, we have to go through it all again. I sure hope it will be easier this time around. We have to try very hard and make a conscious effort to stay committed and positive.



Posted: 13 Jul 2006 08:41 pm Post subject: re
Kiki/Ann - Look at the bright side. You both are still a lot better off from all the clean time than if you had never stopped in the 1st place.

You spent your time more productivly. Perhaps strenghened relationships with your family and friends and I am sure have a lot more money even with the slip.


Posted: 13 Jul 2006 09:51 pm Post subject: Thanks
Ann and Moe, thanks so much just for being here to listen. The same goes for everyone else. I'm going to move forward. Moe, thanks for reminding me that at least I had some clean time. I like to think that this slip will make me more humble, more respectful of how powerful the addiction is. I still have to face my Gamblers Anonymous group of friends. That's going to be a bummer. They don't know I slipped. I haven't had the courage to tell them yet, but I know they will accept me no matter what. Today I didn't gamble. One day at a time. Kiki

Posted: 13 Jul 2006 10:13 pm Post subject:

We've had the courage to pick ourselves back up and I think we underestimate the value in that. It's by acknowledging that we can heal and move forward.

Today we have succeeded and we can tomorrow too. I feel as if I've been bruised by slipping and the scar that remains will stay with me for a long time. Who knows, maybe we needed this reminder.

For the time, let's pat ourselves on the back and move on with a greater sense of awareness than ever before.


Posted: 14 Jul 2006 07:11 am Post subject: support
its so true how much we need each other...

sue you were soooo upset just the other day, and then kiki came in w/the same problem and here you are giving her the spirit lift that she needs...we'll pick you guys up anytime you want!!

wow kiki that alot of good time, that in itself is an achievement.......its not wasted dont ever think that....think of it as studying for a test for you wound up getting a failing grade on (w/a chance of a make up test), so instead of giving up... now you're gonna study harder and harder until you get the 100....its is obtainable...its actually right around the corner if you want it.....and I know you do.....


Posted: 15 Jul 2006 03:31 am Post subject:
Hi Ann and Kiki,

Sorry to hear you both slipped (ironically around the same time), however...remember you are human. Remember we can make mistakes, and remember you have proven that you CAN go days/weeks/months without gambling.

One of you wrote about maybe the clean time you had was a waste....don't think of it that way. There are going to be re-lapses with people. My sister is in Alcoholics Anonymous and had 3 years of sobriety and one night she "blew" those years and felt like I am sure you both did. Then she also realized, ok look, I've not drank before and proved I can do it...I slipped up, time to go from now.

From what I've learned and educated myself on, alcoholics and gamblers have a lot in common, and apparently sometimes both go hand-in-hand. Same personalities, same traits, same compulsions, etc. So just know that many people have done what you did, it is perfectly normal, and the fact you are bummed about it is a good thing. Remember the feeling you had gambling this past week, remember the feeling you had the morning after....keep that in mind with you, but don't dwell on it. Just remember how it made you feel and I think that will make you even stronger this next time. The days add up fast. I was here on day two and now I'm heading well into my second month. BTW, my sister...I am happy to report...from that time she slipped, she has now been sober going on 15 years! That doesn't include the 3 years...so having the 6 months under your belt, is absolutely huge...don't forget that!!


Posted: 18 Jul 2006 02:23 pm Post subject:

No one congratulated you on your clean time and you relapsed because of it. I'll be your psychologist, okay?

"Well, Kiki, it seems to me you need the approval of others to feel good about yourself or your accomplishments. When people don't acknowledge your accomplishments, you have a low sense of worth. Am I correct?"

KiKi: "Well, no. Maybe."

"It seems to me that you rely on others to feel good about yourself..."

I used to think that I needed people's approval to feel good about myself. Now I think it's good to have people's approval but not a necessity in my life. If I approve of who I am, then that's what counts!


Posted: 18 Jul 2006 09:10 pm Post subject:
Bach, you are so correct. My therapist said the same thing. So did my mother when I told her that I slipped. I wrote something down that I carry with me in my day planner. It says, "It's none of my business what people think about me." I think it means that the only important thing is what I think of myself. Any ideas why I'm like this? I am a middle child. LOL


Posted: 18 Jul 2006 10:17 pm Post subject:
I'm the middle child, too. I think it's not only you but it's part of who we are as humans. If people don't approve of us, then it implies that

* they reject us or don't care
* they're disinterested
* they're more interested in themselves
*they prefer the status quo and don't like the improvements we've made
* other reasons?

As emotional beings, some of us crave attention. We want to win Big so we can buy and friends and family nice things. We want to win Big so we can look like a Big Shot. Gamblers Anonymous has covered these issues and they've labeled gambling addiction as an emotional problem and a disease.

I can ramble on and on but if we need other people to feel good about ourselves, then there's something missing within ourselves.

Have a good night everyone.