This is a long, sad story


Since this is my first experience with posting anything to any internet site, let me begin by apologising in advance. When I get started on something I have a huge tendency to get carried away and to go a little overboard, (if you have followed my debate with Cliff under "lost lots of money" this will be obvious) which does explain some of my problems with gambling. Fortunately, if that happens here is won't cost me as much as gambling has and no one has to read this if they chose not to. Unfortunately, I can't afford to see a therapist about my problem since I have wasted so much money on the problem itself and this seemed like a good way to get my thoughts straight, vent a little on this and related subjects, and to hopefully get some constructive feedback from others who have been there!!!

Anyway, being more of a "hands on" person I haven't had trouble with internet gambling but get me into a casino and sit me in front of a video poker machine and I am hooked, just try to get me to leave before I have lost all of my money and have exhausted all resources at my disposal in order to get more money.

The worst is when I hit a jackpot early in the game because I know not only am I going to lose my own money but I am going to put what I have won right back in the pocket of the casino owners who don't need it nearly as much as I do. The chance that I will actually leave the casino with any winnings decreases rapidly based on how quickly I win it when I get there. If I am really lucky I may hit a good one just before I know I really have to leave, which is usually just after I hit the ATM yet again against my better judgement, but this doesn't happen often enough to come close to breaking even much less comming out ahead, yet somehow I sure seem to feel pretty good when I walk out the casino doors for a change. At least it is better than the usual departure routine of feeling like the biggest idiot on earth and asking myself how could you do this again when you know what is going to happen and how miserable you are going to feed afterwards. (I haven't found the answer to that question yet but heaven knows I have asked it more times than I can count.)

How may times have I begged and pleaded with a stupid machine, without success, to please just let me hit the four duces once more like I did several hours ago, and I promise this time I will leave immediately with some money to help balance out my losses. I guess I shouldn't call the machine stupid, at least it is smart enough to know that I am probably lying to it anyway.

Just one more note, I think that I should get as Oscar or something for my "Congratulations" performances because I am really getting good at them. I should be considering all the practice I seem to get. Does anyone else feel like everyone around them seems to be winning and that you are being singled out to be a loser. I can't even count how many times someone has hit a Royal on a machine that I just left. Usually when someone sits at that machine I tell them right up front that they have a better than average chance of hitting the Royal because I just left that machine. They usually just smile like I some kind of nut, but when it happens then they actually feel kind of bad for me (or so they say) because they figure it must happen to me alot for me to have even said anything to them when they sat down. No Kidding!!!! Why else would I bother saying something like that, just for conversation, not likely, when I'm playing, I'm playing, not looking for small talk!! And yet I just smile and say, it's Ok, if it was meant for me to hit it, I would have, so obviously it wasn't meant for me but for you. Congratulations, good for you. (And again the Oscar goes to ........ ME DAMMIT!!!) I wonder if could pawn the Oscar and just get some money???
Edited by - penney on 06/18/2006 12:11:09 AM

Karen in Reno
Guest User

Posted - 06/18/2006 : 7:00:29 PM
I think that whenever someone hits a nice payout on a machine that you were playing, then you should get a small percentage. Does anybody ever "cut" you into the winnings after you "tell them right up front that they have a better than average chance of hitting the Royal because I just left that machine." I would give you a few dollars or so.

Trust me, you're gambling problem is not that bad. It becomes bad the day you charge an out of town business man for sexual favors just so you can have a few bucks for the slots. I have been there and done that on several occasions, and I am not proud of it.
Talk about feeling dirty afterwards.

Think about satisfying a gentleman orally for a measally $20 and then after brushing your teeth and cleaning yourself up in the restroom. You take the $20 to play video poker and within 10 minutes it is all gone.

Try going home broke and looking in the mirror only to see a broken women with male ejaculation all over her blouse.

Try taking a shower and still not being able to get the smell of cheap cologne out of your hair.

Trust me, I doubt you gambling problem is as bad as mine Penney.

penney
Newbie

USA
11 Posts
Posted - 06/19/2006 : 03:01:38 AM
Karen:

In regards to being cut in for a percentage of the pot, oh yeah, I can relate. At least I could until a sat down after Larry, someone that I knew, was leaving and he made a joke about the same thing. It wasn't two hands later when I hit the "Barbaric Duces". This is the jackpot on a nickel poker machine, 2o coins at a time, and you have to be dealt four duces with and Ace on the first hand, the jackpot is $2,000, which certainly isn't a forture, but on these machines it's the "Brass Ring" and we played these machines alot. So much that we knew alot of the other regulars who also played there. (Small town - small casino) By the time I saw poor Larry the next day he had already been informed of this by several others and jokingly asked about his cut. I just told him that if I received a cut from everyone who hit on a machine I just left, I wouldn't have to hit the jackpots myself, that would give me a better payout.

On a more serious note, I have contemplated the same thing as a means of financing my habit. I figured what the hell, it would be over with pretty quickly (hopefully) and it seemed preferable to selling something that actually had more sentimental value than financial value and once you did this you could't get it back. I had a gold cross necklace that my father gave to me when I was about three years old, nothing fancy, but beautiful to me. I am now 43 and this was something that I treasured so much. I was daddy's little girl and I was going to marry him when I grew up. I sold this memory for next to nothing. My father recently passed away so now I don't have him or the necklace because of my problem and each time I think of this I can't help but cry over the loss. I am trying to see clearly through the tears right now.

I still sometimes wish that I had chosen to sell myself and my self respect instead. In time I think a person can regain their self respect especially when their actions were not malicous or meant to hurt anyone else, but were done through desparation. No matter what I do or how sorry I am for my actions, I can't get back what I lost.

I think to some extent each of us feel as though we are worse than anyone else, and no one could have done the things we did, but I am finding out that it is amazing how much in common so many of us have with each other. I hope that we can include a successful recovery to that list.

Thanks for your comments and good luck!!!

Cliff
Guest User

Posted - 06/19/2006 : 06:16:59 AM
I could not help but add my 2 cents. Don't worry Penney, it has nothing to do with self-termination.

What is the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A whore will have sex with everyone.
A bitch will have sex with everyone but you.

Lol....I always loved that one. Anywho, whats wrong with a little humor now and then. Have a pleasant evening ladies.

Cliff

penney
Newbie

USA
11 Posts
Posted - 06/19/2006 : 06:37:04 AM
Cliff, the world must be full of Bitches because I can't imagine any woman wanting to have sex or anything else with someone like you. Actually, that isn't correct, the world is not full of bitches, any woman not wanting anything to do with you wouldn't make her a bitch, it would make her an excellent judge of character. You are lots of things, several of them come to mind immediately, but humorous is definately not one of them.

If someone in Karen's situation had come across someone like you at the right time, she would have been so much better off. You would be the "Rock Bottom" that some of us have to hit before we realize that no addiction is worth the torment we would have to face if we stooped so low that you were the only alternative. That thought alone could save so many women from ever gambling again.

Do us all a favor, what you consider is the "honorable thing" Cliff
jump off one!!! Just go away!!!
Edited by - penney on 06/19/2006 06:58:44 AM

StevensCreek
Guest User

Posted - 06/20/2006 : 12:25:22 AM
Damn I miss the Arch Deluxe.........why did they cancel it? Why God? Why me? Was I born on this earth to experience heartbreak? Its gotten to a point where I eat Big N Tastys and Big Macs. Aghhhh. I feel so sick....Maybe suicide isn't a bad way? I just know they will cancel my second love...the Gordita Supreme...if they do that Im done..gone..out...in a new dimension...drinking coffee with Jesus...you get the picture. Thanks for that helpful link Cliff...the world needs people like you..you are like Robin Hood...Im gonna call you Cliffy Hood........... And the lived happily ever after. The end. I love you Penney. May the world of "not gambling" bring you more happiness than McDonalds has brought me. I wish you the best....

 

I hold a wonderful image in my head that my therapist gave me when she explained addiction. She told me that addiction takes place in the reptilian parts of our brain. It is like a reptile that is on a rock and one day it catches a mouse on that rock, it will forever return to that rock in the hopes of catching that mouse again. We go back again and again to find that high, that thrill, but even if we catch it again it's never quite the same- and so we keep going- to the rock.
I have to believe I am strnger and smarter than some computer program somewhere- that makes me afraid - makes me call the bank every morning to see if I am overdrawn- that makes me hide the bank statements and lie to the most important person in my life-
We have to be smarter than that.
Don't we?