Honesty and Boundaries


At the core of my recovery and what makes it work is honesty. I am slowly changing from a deceitful, bitter, judgemental, high and mighty cynic to a loving connected man. I fight everyday with my addictions with my learnt behaviour and it is damm hard work, however it is being honest that keeps me close to god. I am not talking about just blurting out all my thoughts and feelings from one momment to the next. I am talking about honesty with boundaries. I must make choices in what I say and do and have a clear sense of my purpose (a healthy recovery for myself). I must always approach honesty as being a gift to myself. When I receive posts from people who say I am a loving honest man and I feel good about that, the addict part of me sometimes can take over I can go from honest connectedness to dishonest people pleasing in the blink of an eye. In other words I can embelish myself with kind words and fluffy stuff to please others.

Thank god I have realised this, everyday I practise humility, everday I take an inventory of my actions an their purpose. It is a huge struggle for me but slowly I am gaining wisdom and serenity.

Murrayff

 

Great share Murray!. Kathy

I am struggling a bit here in the uk at the moment.

I haven't had a bet for near on 4 years but i feel myself slipping into one. I know its because of my
selfishness and above all laziness in life. I still find it difficult to be honest in even the simplest of situations.

I gambled on anything and so i feel temptation is always near whther it be horses, dogs, casino, stock market, bingo, lottery, fruit machines , all sports betting, spread betting, etc.

At times when low i can tell myself i felt better when gambling as at least it gave me a purpose, but i know this is a lie.

My sponsor sadly left the fellowship about a year ago and i have not replaced him. He was a big help to me and now at times i struggle, even though people in the fellowship look upto me. I always tell it how it is in the meetings as i will not lie there but i am struggling at this point.

Thanks for listening

Frank

 

Hi Murrayff,

I agree and can relate to everything you say. I have some spare time on my hands so I'm going to try find the CAUSES behind some of the things we have in common.

***At the core of my recovery and what makes it work is honesty.***

Honesty is important, especially with ourselves. If we say we're going to do something we have to do it. Honesty is also being realistic with who we are and our goals. For me, I can no longer expect to make $4,000 a month sitting at a table. Therefore, I won't even try making a living with gambling. I know it can't be done.

***I am slowly changing from a deceitful, bitter, judgemental, high and mighty cynic to a loving connected man.***

These things take time because they require a change in our values, beliefs and character. It didn't take overnight to get where we are so I don't expect things to change overnight for me. I've been on this journey for a bit over a year and I've had a few relapses but overall, I'm doing well.

Deceitful: Probably comes from having to "hide" our dark gambling secret. Hiding our losses, time away from those we love, emblishing our wins, lying to our bank and credit card companies.

Bitter: One of the reasons is from unfulfilled goals or dreams or we haven't lived up to our expectations. Saying we'll never gamble again and end up doing it anyway. Seeing others get ahead of us.

***I fight everyday with my addictions with my learnt behaviour and it is damm hard work, however it is being honest that keeps me close to god. ***

It is WORK! And hard work, like you said! I completely agree with the part of being honest. I believe in a higher power but not God god. Honesty is usually the best policy and agree with you that there has to be a boundary on our honesty.

***I am not talking about just blurting out all my thoughts and feelings from one momment to the next. I am talking about honesty with boundaries.***

I'm in total agreement with you here. Because we're trying to develop new values, beliefs to change our character to the better, we tend to unconsciously impose our thoughts (the first cycle of developing new values and beliefts unto other people). I don't know how many times I've blurted out my thoughts and feelings from one moment to the next this past year because I disagreed with someone. Again, honesty with bondaries, like you said. We can be honest without hurting the feelings of other people. One way I've gotten over this is to accept the fact that I have my hands full trying to change myself and there's no way I have the experience and skills to change other people. I can only hope to do good things and hope others will follow my example.

***I must make choices in what I say and do and have a clear sense of my purpose (a healthy recovery for myself). I must always approach honesty as being a gift to myself.***

This will come with time and practice. When we consciously become aware of our words and actions and how they the affect those around us. Often times I find that when I blurt out things without thinking, I'm not in control of my life, similar to maxing out my bank and credit cards over and over again because I didn't have control of my impulses.

***When I receive posts from people who say I am a loving honest man and I feel good about that, the addict part of me sometimes can take over I can go from honest connectedness to dishonest people pleasing in the blink of an eye. ***

Most compulsive gamblers gamble with the hope of buying new jewelry, houses, cars for their friends and family so they can please those people. Even away from gambling, we might be trying to please people by compromising our values without realizing it.

***In other words I can embelish myself with kind words and fluffy stuff to please others.***

What man doesn't like to blow his own horn? :-) I've been guilty of this so many times. I'm trying my best to be humble with those around me and to recognize their feelings and needs so I don't end up hurting anyone anymore. There are times when I don't think I'm acting fluffy, but my behaviours are perceived differently by those around me. Sometimes it's a matter of perception. So if we can anticipate how our words and actions are perceived by others, we can improve in this area. Another thing I've learned is that it is very hard to please everyone.

***Thank god I have realised this, everyday I practise humility, everday I take an inventory of my actions an their purpose. ***

You've said it before, it requires hard work, like anything in life to achieve what we want.

***It is a huge struggle for me but slowly I am gaining wisdom and serenity. ***

There is a connection between effort and reward. In our efforts, we have to believe in patience and persistence as the foundations. I do belief that good things come to those who wait.

Everyone here is on this journey together.

I know we'll be successful in overcoming our gambling addiction and eventually become a success in any area of our lives.

I believe in myself and I believe in everyone here.

Honesty