I just moved out


Last night like an idiot I decided to accompany my husband to go out and gamble - We had a set agreed limit - (I'm almost too embarrassed to continue typing) As you all know I was obviously looking for another miracle and hoping that 'poof' all of sudden my husband wassn't a cg and we'd be fine

Anyways, I must just tell the story as horrible as it is - I was going to sugarcoat - BUT WHY?

At his suggestion we went our own separate ways (RED FLAG) after I had lost what I had, I went and found him and he told me he was on a winning streak and could I leave him alone, my friend and I went and ate and sat around for awhile before approaching him again - This time when I found him he told me he needed me to take more money out of the account - WHY? i would later find out...

I told him 'no' that we had to leave - he went out to the parking lot and told me he couldn't leave that he had just lost 1500.00 of someone else's money..
For all of you who don't know - my husband is a car salesman - As it turns out last night a guy came in to buy a car - it started to get late - the guy needed to bring in additional paperwork so they just scheduled him to come in the next morning - When a customer leaves a deposit it is supposed to be logged in - My husband didn't log it in and here we are - Well almost,

He left the house again, I called a guy from church who my husband and myself have met with in the past and he told me to get my baby's things, my things, any money, anything that he could sell i.e. jewelery whatever and leave - So, now I am at my parents house, embarrased, ashamed, feeling broke down, and very very depressed - My girlfriend who is still with me is telling me that this is for the best (any normal person should see that so WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM?)
Anyway, I am very thankful that my parents have Internet access and maybe I will come on later today -
Hope everyone else is coming along well -
Anita

No need to be embarassed, and I'm soooo glad you didn't sugar coat this. It doens't help to hide the truth.
I very glad that you came here to share with us. I know that last night you had good intentions. Just a little bit of gambling to hopefully make you husband bearable to live with. Give him a chance... on and on. You know AKANeat.... that sort of thinking is simular to what addicts think, around and around you go. HOWEVER you are now taking care of yourself... that is the first step of YOUR recovery... yes... YOU need to recover too... it's all part of an interrelated cycle.
I'm truly sorry that this has gone to such an exterme... that is soooo illegal and there will be consequences for him. Hopefully you got out in time and you will not have to suffer the consequences with him.
Stay strong, Stay convicted to your recovery
Terri

 

I would also like to add that you might want to consider getting a legal seperation on Monday AM. I know it's fast but the legal ramifications might be dire and you don't want to be party to that.
Just a thought.
Terri

 

Thanks Teri - I am still feeling fairly good at my parents house. They are not home yet so they don't fully know everything that has happened. i work for a divorce attorney so I am going to hopefully speak w/ him first thing Monday morning and see what's up. I have already spoken to someone from the church and he has suggested that I have absolutely no contact w/ my husband - he said that enables him and he has got to be accountable this time on his own. I'm a little nervous about what is going to happen too but I cannot be concerned about that, right? I'll probably be on the computer on and off a lot today - Hopefully I'll catch you later

 

Hi Anita, it sure must of been tough but it is right for now.You needed to do this now.After what he has done he is bound to lose his job and then he might be one step closer to surrendering. Though that his his problem as it always was, so you take care and comfort in making a decision about your futute mate.

You have not been silly all you have done is tried to believe and support your husband.So get that chin back up and take it a day at a time, a life on your terms

Rob

 

Anita,

It is easy to do things we are not afraid of, it take real courage to do things that we fear. You have shown great courage in this action. There are a million women out there who wish they had your courage, for one reason or another. Be proud of yourself and stick to your guns.

Time is a great healer... just give yourself some time... You deserve it.

Rav.

 

I came on line right now looking for words of encouragement and I got them - THANK YOU ALL SO SO MUCH. I was having a fleeting moment of doubt - it has passed very quickly after coming on here and reading what you all have said... I've said it before, this place has been a bleesing. It's wierd how things have just changed within myself from coming on here and 'just letting things out'. At first, I was starting to feel like I was becoming an Internet junkie Big Grin but I don't think so.... Thank guys - I hope and pray that everyone is well. I will be back maybe later but definitelt tomorrow... Goodnight - Does anyone ever go to the chatroom?

When I have looked, the chatrooms are always empty.

 

AKAneat, You are doing the right thing!! Stand firm and do not let any doubts you may have change your mind and put you right back in the middle of HIS mess! He has to get thru this one on his own. You do not want to be a part of this behavior.. no matter what!

I went to a workshop today, it was for cgs and gamanon.. it was the first time i went to one. I have to tell you, I didnt realize that those who are loved ones or family members of cgs.. were considered to be as sick as the cg's were, until today.. I gained some more wisdom today about this addiction and those who are co-dependant.. that would be you.. You might not realize this now and it will take some recovery on your own part for yourself to see that you are a co-dependant and also.. have those feelings of the increased seritonim/dopamine levels in your brain when you are out there, trying to find him, cover up his financial screw ups and fixing the problems that his gambling has caused you and your family. Yes.. sounds strange doesnt it? but today I heard from those who belong to gamanon and this is what they said...

that they too are just as sick as their cg spouses.. and they too, have to be in recovery, so that they put themselves first and worry about themselves and NOT their spouses who are the cgs in action.. amazing.. I didnt think about your side of this before in that way.. I am a cg and always thought we were completely to blame.. but as long as you are there for him, covering up, trying to fix it, enabling him.. etc.. you are sick too.. you need recovery for yourself, so that you can continue to heal and learn to put yourself first and not want to reach out to him to help him.. He has to do it alone!! Maybe there was a good reason for me to hear all that today.. maybe is was so that I could come back here and show you what I discovered today, so that it will help you realize you made the right and most healthiest choice by leaving him.. do not go back. Do not help him.. help yourself! He must be accountable for his actions in stealing this money..

you can do nothing for him, except the best thing there is to do.. and that is nothing except heal yourself. Its a good thing you work for a divorce lawyer.. you are going to be using his services, like tomorrow.. I feel much better knowing you are in a more healthier and safer environment for you and your child.. That was a very smart decision.. you are on your way to healing and recovering as well.. Get to a gamanon meeting, start your recovery and work the steps at gamanon, you will be so glad you did, whether you ever go back to him or not, you need this for your own recovery. God bless you.. lilaud

 

thank you - i need to go i'll be back momentarily

 

Hello Anita,
I have been thinking alot about you. I know what you are going through is hard. It will get better. Just keep doing what is best for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. What Lilaud has said is so true. Family members of cgs have alot to look at, in themselves. As I have told you before, I gave my son money (ALOT) in the past, when he would loose all that he had, and have nothing left to pay his bills. There were times I could not even pay some of my bills, by helping him pay his. I knew what I was doing was the wrong thing to do. So why did I do it? Because I love him so much, and wanted to "fix" the mess he had created, to the extent of it causing a mess (finacially) for me.

I was not thinking of myself. That is wrong. That is one of the points I believe Lilaud is trying to make. You have to think of yourself first. I also was contributing to his gambling. At the time I did not see it as enabling. I thought he would realize what he was doing, and it would not happen again. I kept holding on to the hope that he would see. I still am hoping and praying for him every day. Now I live with the quilt I have of the years (4) that I helped him become a cg. Now I see his pain, and it is very hard to bare. Where do I go from here? I do not know. A few things I do know: I have to think of what is best for myself. I fight this daily. Our instincts are to put our children first. I encourage my son to find help. He thinks, at this stage, that he can handle it on his own. I do not know where it all will end. I know I, myself, need help. I refuse to help him financially any more. That I know I am doing right. I do need help in how to live with this.

I have called Gamanon a couple of times. The meetings are too far away for me to go to, and on a day I teach my art classes. Each time I called them I was told some things that I do not agree with, and, to tell you the truth, it has turned me off to them. I called about 2 months ago, and the lady I talked to told me that she has nothing to do with her son. (alcoholic, not cg) She does not invite him to family dinners, holidays, or any thing. I am sorry, but I do not believe we should disown our own children. (Except, of course, under VERY extreme circumstances)

Anita, you and I are in sort of a similar situation. (Except my cg family member is my son) We have talked. I am proud of you for what you are doing now. Stay strong. I know you have feelings for your husband, but at this time he is making it impossible for you to have a family. He may get the help he needs one day. But you do have to do what is best for you, and your children. I was in a similar situation with my first husband years ago. It continued for years, because I allowed him to treat me the way that he was. I woke up the day a police officer told me I should consider leaving, if not for myself, then for my children. He was right.
Take care.
jane

 

I am a husband of a wife who is going through the same as you. My addiction is online gambling. She has supported me through this since I told her a few months ago. Its been hard to stop, even after going to counseling. In fact, I am only on day 2 of NOT gambling. I know if I continue to gamble, the same fate will happen to me as it is to your husband. It is nobody's elses fault but my own if it does happen.

You are doing the right thing and believe me, you are helping me by your actions.

c-del

Thanks - Well remember I said our pastor was going to go speak with my husband. Well, he did. He told him that it was time to come clean and go tell his job and bosses what he had done. He actually did it - but bigger miracle is they actually let him keep his job. I am in disbelief. Don't get me wrong I am happy that he is employed just astounded. Anyhow, he just walked into my office a little while ago. I told him I was very busy and he needed to leave. He then called me and wanted me to meet him for lunch - Again I said no but I am not going to lie to anyone here or to myself - It is very difficult for me to say no to my husband. Hell, we have only been married for approximately two years - we should still be in the honeymood stage!!! Gotta cut out short I will be back

 

Hi Jane, I also have been thinking about you. It is good to hear from you. With all of my things packed, I cannot seem to locate anything including your phone number. I will find everything eventually and maybe we will chat. Today, is Sunday and I am still feeling pretty good about my decision. Finally. The only thing is my parents want me to have him removed from the home and me return to it. By removed I mean, legally. A restraining order. I don't know if I'm really comfortable with that but my parents may leave me with no other choice.

They make a good point, I am 30 years old and they should not be responsible for taking care of me anymore when I have a home of my own. If it was myself though I would always let my children return home NO MATTTER WHAT. My parents and I are very different. I have two younger brothers. One left to the military and the other is in school. My parents say the one in school can stay with them as long as he is in school but he says he'd rather sleep on a couch in a friends apartment then stay with my parents. So, even he suprised at why I am here and not at home with my husband thrown out. I can REALLY feel that things are better only because I feel better. I feel as if a weight has been lifted. I do need figure out my living situation though. Take care Jane and take care everyone else who read this. I am off to church

Hi Anita,
Maybe your parents are also thinking that it would be best for you to be in your own home because it would be best for your children to have as much normalacy as possible. They would feel better if they were at home.
I hope you have a nice day today.
jane

 

Hi Anita,

I think I kind of understand where you parents may be coming from on this. While their home can be a temporary safe haven until you can make other arrangements, you will need to begin thinking of how to start building a new life. While they would probably not put you out in the street, the best steps forward will be to begin making the appropriate arrangements to start fresh...meaning not to run back to your childhood home but to think of a future, whether it's in your home or a new home environment where you can start building a new life for yourself and your baby. This is also a situation where you have to take one step at a time, but keep moving forward. Stay strong and your HP will see you through this!!

Zoe

 

Being codependent is every bit as much of a tragedy as any other addiction. In fact it can be even worse as there is no clear "thing" out there that you can point to, to say... I won't do that. It is giving me pain. Instead it is a overall sense that something is wrong, your life is a blur, you are in pain but can't put your finger on it. It's out there somewhere... it is this person or that person that causes this pain and that. or what did I do to make this person do that and not want me or hurt me or or or.
Codependency is every bit as deadly as any addiction you can think of. A overdose of codependency can and regularly does end up in death by abuse or suicide. And many ruined lives. It also is so ingrained into our society that it is the way we are "supose to be" Actually TV and Movies make me ill with the levels of codepenancy that is being portraid as being "normal and exceptable".

Just like with drugs the very first step is to disengage. The next step is to detach.
You can not get over being codependent overnight. It takes time and hard work. Painful, grieving hard work. But when you come out the other side... it is a whole new world.
Disengaging or detaching does not mean that you no longer love or care about the person. Just the opposite. It is empowering to you and honoring to them. A stonger new type of love grows from this process, whether it is husband, child or anyone else. If you do go through with this divorce and continue to work on youself and these codependent thoughts you will be able to "love and honor" your ex husband from a healthy distance.

You can NOT fix this for him.

You can NOT make a plan that will make it better for him.
All the "love" in the world will not bring him to his senses.
You CAN Love yourself enough to fix this for yourself. To make your life better and move forward.
You have taken the very first step and disengaged by moving out.

Ask your folks if they can give you the grace of a week or 2 to get your feet on the ground. You need some time to grieve and figure out what your going to do. You need a plan.
Try to either not talk to your husband at all for now or minimize your input into the conversation. What you say can and will be used againest you. If he asks you to come back... you say something like, "I'm not ready" this is very short, to the point, nonthreatening, and has integraty as you are saying what "YOU" can do.

If he tells you something painful, you can just say "wow" and thats it. This is the beginnig of a recovery of codependancy. Choosing your words wisely. If the conversation gets out of control just say, I need to go to the bathroom, bye. Disengage the conversation.
It takes practice and support.

Your doing a good job. Keep coming back for support.
Terri

 

Well I have already spoke to my husband and he asked me to please help him come up with the money. He has until tomorrow to return it to work or lose his job. I told him "no". I wasn't mean or anything I just told him I could not. I saw one of the pastors from church this morning (church was awesome bythe way) and he told me he was going to make a visi to my husband at his work to speak with him. The pastor also reinforced some of what my parents said about me returning to the home and him leaving. Like Terri suggested, he said to keep my contact with him to a minimum. It is going to be a long week and I have not treated myself out to the movies in quite some time (watching a movie is my way of relaxation) I love the movies so I am out the door -

 

Thank you everybody!!! You know the pastor from church pretty much said my husband needed to want to find help. When and if that time ever comes I don't know where he is going to find it. What do you guys here to other than come here? G.A. We do have one nearby that's two times a weeek I think. maybe even once. Oh well that is not my problem! I need to keep repeating that over and over again - I hope everybody had an awesome and relaxing weekend. Take care and God Bless and Protect Us All - Bye

I hope you enjoyed the movie... sounds like your pastor is a great guy with some really good advise. I'm glad you have a support system.
Take care
Terri

Thank you Ravisher for your support. I can only feel good about this when I can defeat this monster within me. You are so right about what you are saying. I had so very little self-esteem since my son died 6 years ago that it was easy for anyone to take advantage of me. Before I used to question people who gamble and now look at me. Everytime I went on the site, I knew, in the back of my mind, it was stupid but I "got off" on the rush it brought to me.

After I lost, I would feel so down but shortly afterwards, I would get back into it again with the belief that I can win. Nothing else entered my mind, my wife and kids did not exist when I was gambling. I look back and I regret that I let them down by not spending the time and money, I used on gambling, on them and GIVING it to the online casino. I know my son in Heaven is disappointed in me but I refuse to feel sorry for myself and I will show all of them and myself that I am a good father and husband. Please keep me in your prayers and I pray for all of those who have, or had this problem

C-Del

gambling addiction

compulsive gambling

No one has mentioned to you yet about Gamblock. You can get it at www.gamblock.com. I also have an addiction to online gambling. It was impossible for me to stop until I put this on my computer. It will take some courage to put it on, but once you do you will be so relieved. Day 2 will turn into 3,4,5...and the urges will subside because you just have no more access to the games. I promise you will be less edgy once it's in place and be able to focus on your recovery.

Zoe

While I appreciate what you are saying about not being able to win at gambling, online or at the casino, I want to say that so many of us are not playing for the $ or big win. It is the escape and rush that keeps the cg from returning and giving into the urges...not the thought that maybe this time I'll hit the jackpot. I have found, especially with online gambling which surprised me on how addictive it would become, that the best measure was putting gamblock on and removing the temptation. Everyone of us has some issue that is relieved by the gambling escape from reality. While we are learning to deal with those issues to live a better life, any method to remove the temptation to escape is beneficial.

Zoe

 

Hi c-del and Zoe,

I 'think' what it is, goes something like this: When smoking or gambling we get a 'hit' every so often. That 'hit' comes from receptors in the brain that produce dopamine. This may be where the word 'dope' comes from? Each time we win, or take a drag of a cigarette, we get a tiny 'dose' of pleasure from the dopamine. It is the dopamine in our brains that we get addicted to. This at least, is one theory that seems to make sense to me.

c-del, You are beating up on yourself a lot here. I would suggest some counselling, not directly about your gambling, but about the low self-esteem you mentioned, and your regrets/guilt. It will also be a great help for you to KEEP that image in your mind of being a good father and good husband. Visualise in your mind 'exactly' what that entails... and continually work towards that 'Target'.

Zoe has given you some good advice here also, in suggesting you get 'gamblock' on your PC as soon as possible. If you have not already done so, you should do that right now. God helps those that help themselves. Do yourself and your wife and kids, a favour.
Ravisher.

Zoe & Ravisher:

I was never aware that a website like this exists. Thank you. I could have used this website a year ago when I realized I was an addict.

Ravisher, maybe you are right about me "beating myself up" but for the first time in a long time I feel like I can do something about it instead of finding ways to escape. I will keep you posted.

Thank you both for the advice

C-Del

gambling addiction

compulsive gambling

c-del,

It is not too late. The past is the past and nothing you or I, or even God can do about that. So forget the past as a worry, and use it as a tool to learn from.

Did you put gamblock on your computer?

Ravisher.

gambling addiction

compulsive gambling