If you would please hear me out


hello i am akaneat (my name is anita and my family calls me neat) just a little fyi. if anyone cares to listen, this is where i am coming from.... when my husband begins to spiral out of control with his gambling it usually starts with something small like he'll bet on the football pool at work and lose 1, 2, 3 (however many it may be) - games in a row, (i would never be the wiser at this point), then he will leave from work (feeling guilty he says) and go to the track to try and recover the money already lost, at this point it becomes evident and I know that it has started again, it ultimately winds up with him using some bill money or chunk of change from something or somewhere, he will have told me a ton of lies by this point and then FINALLY he'll come clean and tell me that he fell again - A

ND each time I am at a loss as he is unraveling the chain of events that took place to get at this point AGAIN and wondering and saying to him and to myself "WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST STOP" - knowing that you are hurting people close to you, taking away from your children, burning rebuilt bridges and FOR WHAT? that's the part I guess I just don't get! For what? For a thrill? Fine, but why not stop before its so terribly out of hand? What will it take? losing everything, everyone, being alone - Then at that point do you stop? and for those of you who say yes - then why cant that time be now!!! Oh well, I hope all of this makes sense - if anything - it felt good to get this off my chest - I meant no disrespect to anyone and I will keep all in my prayers - THANK YOU AGAIN!!

akaneat. Tuesday February 01, 2005
04:25 PM EST

Dear Anita,

No disrespect on my part either. Sorry if I offended earlier. Being the deceiver, lier, cheater and gambler, I can tell you that none of these things are fun and I would not have chosen any of them. Why not just tell my partner? I have 2 different times. He knows, especially with this last reveal, the steps that I am undertaking to nip this thing in the bud. He asked me how much I had spent last week. When I guessed (and it truly was a guess) $500, he said that it wasn't that bad. I tried to turn things over financially and in many ways emotionally too because I know that I'm not making the right decisions for myself or for us. He did'nt seize the opportunity and now my disease is back into the deception and who knows when and if the next time to ask for help will present itself. I hope that your husband is trying in some way to resolve his issues but from my experience doing it on his own won't cut it and if he can muster the strength to be honest with you, you have to take full advantge of what's being shared, try and be supportive and still be good to yourself. It's no easy task on your end, but it's no fun for us either.

If you were my partner and I could tell you what I needed right now?
1- Take control financially. My name off all the accounts. Give me enough money to do the things I need to do today and no more. No credit cards, no ATM cards, no checks, etc. Close the joint checking account because I have casino accounts tied to it and can use online checks, etc.
2- Talk to me daily. We need to sit down each day and talk even if only for 10 minutes just to be real.
3- Hold me accountable for my time, be accountable for yours in return.
4- Reassure me that you love me and that we'll get through this but that we each must do our part to make this work.
5- Let's do more together to fill the time that my mind uses to scheme and plan my gambling.

There's probably more. If you're open to it, use the email link and perhaps we could exchange a few messages. It would be nice to hear how the other side thinks and feels and to bounce off some of what I'm going through on a "test drive" basis if your open to it.

In any case, best of luck. Be good to yourself. I know that your husband is suffering because I feel his pain. I know you are suffering because I know just how much I'm hurting my partner. Somehow we'll all get through this.

Regards,

Clay