Having a bad day


On days like today, it seems like I just can't make it. It's like I need the high even though I know that the low that follows is so destructive and damaging. I've had my high and now I'm shaking, trying to hold in emotion while my partner sits watching television. I have so many secrets, so many lies. I'm afraid to write in my journal - afraid that he'll discover it and unearth the secrets that I've kept hidden for some time. Yes, he does know about the problem, but we haven't checked in for some time. I control the finances (or what's left of them now) and he has no idea that I'm spending hundreds of dollars, sometimes in a day. I need to turn it over.

I belong to an online chat room for recovering gamblers but the room is often empty. I've been reading books and have more coming via mail. I need other ideas. What do you do to get through this moment, this day? I don't do GA - it's not an option so don't waste your time on that one.

Thanks in advance for your support. I know that somehow, someway I will get through this but right now it seems that the pain is unbearable.

Clay. Monday January 10, 2005
08:35 PM EST

 

Cotexmcs,

The answer to your problem is in your own words, "I have so many secrets, so many lies. I'm afraid to write in my journal - afraid that he'll discover it and unearth the secrets that I've kept hidden for some time."

You need to get rid of those secrets and come out clean. You really do need to write down your problems and what you need to do to overcome them. This site is anonymous. We never have and never will share your information with anyone else. But you really need to come out clean.

Best of luck to you.

Admin

 

I agree with admin....personally I felt gratification that I could share. I am not in any GA or AA's but I know that talking about your issues is very theraputic.

Write in your journal....it will be your salvation!

No preaching here...your also talking to a guy that can blow bundle in a night playing cards on the internet so I know I know...especially being the one controling the checkbook.

Good luck hope to here from you soon

 

I was in the same place you are... I controlled the money,he worked. I gambled, he worked. I lied. I hid bank statements and credit card statements. I put a smile on my face to cover my addiction. I confessed to him once, but I didn't tell him everything...and I was back at it in no time and spending even more money...thousands a day. The constant lying is exhausting. I would sometimes wish that he would catch me in one of my many lies. It is incomprehensible...it makes no sense... but I could not stop. I wont "preach" GA to you.. it's not for everyone, but you need to find some type of help. Whether that is this website, a friend or family member, a counsellor... get some help. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help with something over which we have no control. I am the last person to be giving advice on ANYTHING right now, but please, please, get some type of help.
Take care

Shelley

 

Hey, Wish I had more time tonight but I have so much I am, working on right now. You start, by one lie at a time, and open up and share the truth with the one you need to share it with, then you feel a tad bit better, and you see it wasnt so bad, if you say, it will get very bad or abusve, then you start out with one that is not that bad..You will not feel the joys of what recovery can give you until u are honest. Thats what u have to give to recovery, before recovery becomes your friend, because that is the God's honest truth.. The truth will set you free. Its witten in God's words..I have never in my life had an experience where telling the truth turned out bad..never, oh sure, the truth hurts sometimes, but that is because of the lies we told before the truth, they are not mad,upset,or hurt because we were honest..think about it, It doesnt matter how bad we think it will be, or even how bad we know it will be..the truth is the only way recovery works..I know!!!! I have told some lies, cheated, stole, begged and borrowed to keep gambling..But today, I dont lie about anything!! I can say that and feel good inside, because i know its true..God is my higher power, He knows, Hes watching me.. You know somwthing, I never have to remember what I say, or who i told it to anymore..and that feels really damn good..Thats when you know you are free and light as a feather.. try it out.. I gaurantee it will work, but you have to take it one day at a time, be patient, and keep doing it for the rest of your life..I promise SmileLotds of hugs, lilaud

Oh Yeah, Im not afraid of anything anymore..really.
We are always going to have obstacles in our lives..Loss of loved ones, jobs, firends..but as long as we have ourselves and like/love who and what we are, we have everything..All the rest can be gone in the blink of an eye..so you have to make yourself happy and live up to your own expectations, right now you cant even think..think about it..look at yourself? Who is hurting who? Im not trying to hurt you, I just want you to see a little bit of what i see, I lived it too. Smile

lilaud