He is at it again-- I'm heartbroken


This morning I woke up and wanted to check out how much money we have in the bank. My boyfriend handles all the money so I used his phone to call the 800 number to find out the balance. I called what I thought was the bank and it was a betting odds number. He has been acting all week like he was back to gambling (depressed, on edge, quiet) but I credited to him sobering up and realizing where he has put our finances. To help him I applied for a second job. I have always taken the very supportive role in this. We can do it- I am so sorry you are in this mess- I will always be there for you, ect ect. This morning I realized the ONLY reason I even knew he was deep in debt AGAIN was because I had caught him in a lie. I really don't know what to do, what role to take with him, to confront him on this, ect ect. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Christine, Friday January 14, 2005
07:26 AM EST

and to make matters worse I asked him if he was gambling and he denied it. I told him I needed to trust him and lying is the issue with me not the gambling. I pointed out I am always supportive of him- and until now I had never confronted him. I asked him 5 times. Finally he admitted he has been doing it $5-$10 here or there. I explained how hurt I was about the lying. He is trying to explain he is cutting out the big gambling- but when we had talked about this originally we had agreed all gambling had to stop because one small win leads to the bigger gambles. He says he is really really sorry but this is the fourth or fifth time he has lied to me about it. I am so hurt because in all other ways this relationship has been a turning point in my life happiness. He is an incredible incredible man. I think I am still in shock he lied to me like that. I never would have predicted that.

 

Christine, my heart goes out to you. I felt like I could have written exactly the same thing you did! I recently found out that my husband was gambling on sports (again) behind my back. I understand completely, it's a huge trust thing!

I strongly encourage you to contact a local Gam-Anon chapter (their website is www.gam-anon.org) and figure out a way to either get to a meeting, or at least speak to someone. Something that is strongly encouraged by them is NOT taking responsibility for the Gambler's actions - and that would include taking on another job to pay off the debts.

Also - and I know, trust me, because I'm doing this myself right now - you really really really need to protect yourself financially. Close out any credit cards or bank accounts that are jointly owned or he has access to - don't just take his name off the account - CLOSE THEM.

This is his problem to deal with, not yours. He has to own it. Gam-Anon can help provide you with support, should you decide to stay in the relationship. It's okay to love him and want to stay with him, and to look for a way to support him during this time. But it's not okay to enable the behaviour to continue, because that hurts you and him.

But ohmigod, I know how much it hurts. I absolutely positively completely know how much it hurts. But it won't just go away either.

My heart goes out to you Christine. Be strong!

SadWife

 

Thank you for your response and your support. I feel the same way about you. I am struggling between being an enabler and being supportive. Unfortunately we do not have any meetings in our area. I really do not know which role to take- being supportive at all costs or being a hard ass (sorry I could not think of any other way to handle it). As for closing the credit cards- in that way I am lucky because I do not have any. I am just so hurt by the lies today I am really having a hard time getting through the day.

lilaud

 

Hello, Its always sad to see the other side, those that dont gamble but suffer because of it. You have to take the control over all money, accounts, cards, etc. If he doesnt let this happen, he will continue to gamble, he is in denial, his addiction is active. You might be his supporter, or you might be co-dependant, thats what it sounds like to me..If you choose to stay in this relationship, you have got to take the bull by the horns and get the control..otherwise, he will not stop until you are so far in debt, you will end up on the streets together or apart from each other any way..

 

Is sad, but that is the reality of this addiction. We are suffering from an enotional disease, when we are gambling, we lie, cheat, steal, think irrationally, do things we wouldnt normally do as a well human being, we cant see past the nose on our faces, we are deep into the depths of the addiction..he doesnt hear you and he thinks he is going to win..it never happens, he is chasing..get him some help, call a counsellor, call a gambler's help/hotline, make him understand he has to do this or else you are not going to be there to pick him back up and bail him out anymore, that is what you are doing..he depends on you to pull him thru and right now that is so he can keep gambling,,is that what you want your life to be like? Do you have the stength and courage to stay with him, support him and convince hin he needs real help? Its hard to be a cg, but just as hard to be the loved one of a cg..you have to take action now, you dont have any time left to waste. Im so sorry you have to go thru this..its your choice to make, if you really want this or not..Be strong, take care of yourself first. Dont be his bailout, thats the best thing you can do for him..Take care, Aud, a cg

 

Thank you very much for your words of wisdom. I am really struggling with what to do. Since he works at a bar he gets himself in trouble becuase he deals with his own cash. I just feel like maybe I am over reacting. I feel stupid getting all this support because he is the one who needs it. I am concerned about taking the codependant role- but know I am in this for the long run (even that sounds codependant I know). It is just this is the ONLY issue we have and I just don't know what to do. I know I am going to take a firmer approach this weekend then I ever had before. Honestly if you guys knew him he is the GREATEST guy. I feel guilty now talking about him in a negative way.

 

Christine, I was posting away and hit the wrong key..geez! shorter version, you are truly wonderful, we cgs need understanding and most of all the support of family and loved ones, He is a great person, then help him to get the right kind of help to stop, he has to want it..Im sure inside he does and hates himself for what he is doing..dont feel sorry for him. Keep loving him and be firm..Its vital to his recovery that he knows you know and it has to stop. Be firm and be patient and confront him on a mature adult level..hopefully it will all work out for you both, he has to realize, he cant do this alone, no matter how strong he is,no matter how much he believes it, it doesnt work that way..You hang in there..and take control over all finances..all..as far as cash money at his work, thats a toughy, he should turn it all over to you, or find a new job without gambling around it, yeah I know, easier said than done..but others have gone to more extremes than that to stop this addiction from killing them, cause that is the end result if they never stop. Best to you both, Hugs, Aud

 

Christine - if you are in it for the long run, you absolutely must get some support for YOU. If you truly want to give this relationship a shot, then you need to be healthy yourself first and foremost. This involves a few things - being emotionally secure, being able to set and keep certain boundaries, and protecting yourself financially and otherwise at all costs. If you don't do this first, then the residual resentment you may feel as time goes by will inevitably damage the relationship - whether he seeks treatment or not.

It's like they tell you in emergency triage training - ensure your own safety first, otherwise you are of no help to anyone else.

If you have no Gam-Anon in your area, contact the National Council on Problem Gambling - toll free, confidential, 1-800-522-4700. They can assist you in finding resources in your area. Or find a therapist (go through a reputable source, such as your state or city mental health board) and explain your needs.

There is no shame in supporting a loved one through an addiction. None. Supporting someone with an addiction does not make you bad, nor weak, nor stupid. And - deciding you CANNOT support someone with an addiction isn't bad, weak or stupid either.

Have you any close friends or family members who live in your area who can provide additional support?

SadWife

 

Christine, Sadwife might be sad, but she is very wise! What she said in her last post is right on the mark! you have allot to work on, take time and go get started Hugs, Aud

 

I had a problem with gambling on the internet. Someone here suggested www.gamblock.com which blocks all internet gambling sites. It has worked wonderfully. Perhaps you can get your phone company to block the 888 or 800 numbers to gambling sites. Just a suggestion. Good luck to you!!

Boom95