Denial


"Denial is not a river in Egypt"

I am sitting here reading and thinking about my past 14 years as a recovering addict. I once had a sponsor in another 12 step program tell me that my 'mistakes get smarter'. I have learned this lesson various times in my recovery, and I am learning it again due to gambling. There is something about the addict personality that likes to complicate the hell out of everything and make it as difficult as possible. That's me, miss complicated. I could complicate a ham sandwich.

One of the things I am thinking about is my early recovery from my drug addiction and what helped me stay clean. We were told to play the tape all the way through when we get the urge. To the point where we are broke, depressed, anxious, guilty and wishing we could die. Gambling has not taken me there......yet. Just for today I am getting off the sinking ship before the thing sinks.

Here are some questions that I am thinking I need to write down and have to answer when the urge to gamble hits.

1. What happened the last time you gambled (let's see that was yesterday so it is easy to remember) I spent $550.00 of money I did not have and now I have to cover that debt.

2. How many times out of the past 10 have I walked away with money in my pocket? (3 - but 2 times I won a little, not enough to cover my losses and returned the next day to lose it all)

3. How many bounced checks have I had in the past month? (at least 5, maybe more)

4. How many times have you left telling your boyfriend you would be back in a few hours only to return 8-10 hours later? (Countless, it is too many to keep up with)

These are not to punish myself or make myself feel bad but to remind me of what is waiting if I go back. The outside chance of a significant win far outweighs the negativity.

I am going to need a lot of support though. I am not comfortable going to family right now about this. I have discussed it in the past with my boyfriend and he is somewhat judgemental about the issue because he honestly doesn't understand it.

Again it is good to finally found a place to let this go.

crazylady, Sunday January 23, 2005
01:53 PM EST

 

What I find helps is to write down my feelings (pain, sorrow, happiness...) so I can analyze them later.

Right now I have two friends I'm considering distancing myself from. One constantly offers me tobacco and marijuana. I consistently turn down his offer. Now I want to get a way from his influence completely because someday I might not be strong. It also bothers me that someone would keep asking me to do something when I've repeatedly told them it's not what I want to do.

Another friend occassionally asks me to go gambling, either poker at a friend's house or casino blackjack. I've told him I don't like gambling, especially poker. I said that the only way I can win in poker was to be "lucky" (get good hands) or be a good liar (bluff). I don't admire either quality.

The harder I work, the luckier I get.

Honesty

Honesty, Journaling is some of the best therapy. I feel it is a must. We are able to see ourselves better when we can go back and read what we said and how we were feeling. We are able to recognize our behaviors and character defects as well as our growth. Then we can move forward and keep making the necessary changes. It will take honesty, opened mindedness and willingness.. thats HOW! I enjoy watching you grow, it re-enforces my own recovery..thanks so much.
Hugs, lilaud